The Love Formula
Healthy + Loving = Commitment ?
I’ve been through countless breakups. I do not have the brain capacity to count how many, thereby making it literally countless.
It’s mind numbing, soul crushing. It’s a pain that just spins over and over and over, seemingly, to no end.
It started in my childhood. My parents each have been married and either divorced or widowed three times, plus a smattering of other semi-significant relationships sprinkled in.
They just couldn’t pull it together.
I’m no expert.
Don’t listen to anything I have to say about relationships.
Don’t take advice from broke people about money. Don’t listen to people who have zero experience with long-term love about how to have a healthy relationship.
However, I’m not a total lost cause when it comes to karmic advancement in this department.
Firstly, I’ve never been married.
From one perspective, that’s a real failure for a 37 year old, somewhat well-adjusted adult. I pay my bills on time, I have some savings in the bank, I drive a decent car, I’ve never been to jail. I think I’ve accomplished some semi-cool shit in my day so far (much more to come).
So, why no marriage and why am I proud of this?
The answer is probably less romantic than you’d expect and more, kinda just, boring.
The reason I’ve never married is because I never found someone I could create a healthy, loving, AND committed partnership with.
I think one of the biggest reasons I’ve made it through life with any degree of “success” might be largely attributed to the fact that I like math.
I love it so much. Truthfully, as I write these words, I have actual emotional feelings about math.
One of my many amazing professors once described math in this profound way and it changed my life forever. She said, “life is full of abstractions and vagueness. But with math, there is no abstraction. The equation either balances at the end or, you have the wrong [fucking] answer.”
She definitely didn’t say the phrase “fucking answer.” That was added for effect. But it’s with that level of passion that I felt her mini speech.
She was beautiful too. Very hot for teacher.
Back to math equations, but, for fun, we’re gonna apply it to the most abstract thing in the world: love.
Healthy + Loving = Commitment
That’s honestly, it. I cannot find a relationship that creates a healthy dynamic and is loving and is looking for commitment.
So, what do you have when the equation, just, refuses to balance out? You have an unwed 37 year old, somewhat mal-adjusted adult.
I’m SURE I’m responsible for all of this, or at least a greater percentage than 50. But it is what it is. Fault or not, I’m just really unwilling to commit my life to someone unless and until I see something that produces a healthy and loving environment.
Loving environments are really easy to come by from what I’ve found. I think I’m also responsible for creating that too.
I’ve got that loving feeling, ask anyone who has had real-talk time with Lydia and you’ll hear that I bring the heat. By heat, I mean love.
Or is that just heat?
Regardless of what constitutes as “loving,” the thing that matters WAY more is actually the healthy part.
DAMN that part is so difficult to create, find, cultivate.
Can you blame us? It’s a vulture’s world out here. We’ve been picked of all the pieces of our soul.
There are only bones now.
Sometimes I’m out here just searching to see if anyone is alive.
Is anyone healed and capable of assembling something worth opening my heart for? Most of the time, just, no.
This is lonely at times but then, every once in a while, you land on some really special humans who are down to create love and commitment, but in a different form.
They’re called friends and I’m SUPER into them. Lol.
I love my friends and my heart bursts open for them, every damn time.
They are the ones that show me what healthy looks like. They just, have what it takes to say, “Lydia, regardless of how much your choices might not make sense to me, I fucking love you.”
It’s unconditional love.
Pure and fucking simple. Friends just have what it takes to love unconditionally. It’s incredible.
I’ve been chewing on this lately and I think the reason friends do this so much better than romantic partners is because once you’re in partnership, almost immediately, the contractual nature of things begins.
I scratch your back, you scratch mine.
Or if you’re like me, it’s more like, I’ll just scratch your back and, it’s okay, you don’t need to scratch my back. Lol
Codependency creeps in and, before I know it, I’m people pleasing and over-giving because that’s what I think I need to do in order to feel loved.
But after all that work, I find out that I never lived my life. I lived someone else’s life because that’s “commitment.”
But, guys, is this really healthy?
Fuck no.
I have no idea where to end this. I feel like I have so much more to say.
For now, I guess all I really have to say is that I am, ultimately, proud of myself for my choices. I am proud of myself for standing in my truth, over and over again, even though it hurts so fucking much to be lonely.
But, for as long as I have friends, I will never be truly alone.
And if having only friends is what it takes to give and receive love without conditions, then sign me up for that.
I hope you feel less alone after reading this. You’ve got a friend in me. ❤
