How to Become a Master Communicator
And why using nonviolent communication will invariably help change the world
If we are to come out of this historic era of immense political division as more whole, more healed individuals, we need to learn how to deliver our language in a way that is helpful to this cause. The whole world was brought to its knees in heartbreak when we watched the knee of a murderer choke the life out of George Floyd, but it’s uniquely pressing for us to know that, as Dr. Marshall Rosenberg puts it, “violence in our speech is the flame that fuels the fire of violence in our actions.” Today, let’s dream our way into a world without state sponsored brutality, without political division among neighbors, and without war. And then, tomorrow, let’s do the hard, beautiful work of actualizing this dream. Join me on the journey.
My authority on the subject of mastering communication most certainly does not come from the fact that I hold a Bachelors of Science in Language Arts nor in some false claim that I am, in fact, a complete master in the art of communication. I do, however, hold a tiny shred of confidence in this art of communication for two reasons.
The first: I have a big sister who challenges every word that comes out of my mouth and, on our hardest days, the very air I breathe. Being an advocate for my sister who has uniquely immense mental health challenges has stretched me to the brink of human capacity on the formulation of precise language. Like a surgeon must have the right tools to perform the proper incision, an advocate must become incredibly efficacious in getting the proper information across to a variety of actors in the mental health circus. And no, I’m not talking about my sister here.
The circus I’m referring to is the pathetic mental “healthcare” model we shamefully allow to persist in this “free” America. When facing a team of circus clowns, also known as (some) physicians, who have closed their minds off to the possibility that their “treatment” is toxic to your loved one, the most consequential task is in keeping a level head, delivering powerfully direct language, and getting them to become the scientists they were (or should have been) trained to be.
Although this very traumatic endeavor of becoming better at language delivery is not something I would wish upon my worst enemies, I am grateful that it taught me to blaze into the fires of a proverbial hell and come out a stronger, more compassionate, more courageous individual.
As previously mentioned, bravery is the key to vulnerability which, in turn, is essential to the art of compassion, which, if mastered, is the linchpin to standing tall, and strong, and beautifully in your own skin. There are few things I know for certain but I am fully convinced that this work of becoming a master communicator starts with becoming a compassionate, nonviolent communicator with yourself first. Which, coincidentally, segues us nicely into the second item that helped build my confidence in communication.
Perhaps the most influential thing I read during that most difficult year of my life was the book “Nonviolent Communication” by Dr. Marshall Rosenberg. I would highly implore you to rent this book from your local library or purchase it yourself (if you promise it won't collect dust on your shelf). But considering that we have 3 weeks to the election of our lives and life gets immensely busy, I’m going to do you a favor and deliver Dr. Rosenberg’s 4 step methodology in conflict resolution, lest you never have another opportunity to dip your toe into this life-changing modality.
- Observe the situation — This step involves taking an emotional inventory of the situation at hand. Do you understand how and why the situation is stirring up these feelings inside? Do you have a good logical association of the conflict and your desire for things to change for the better?
- Name your feelings — Perhaps the most challenging aspect of the NVC model is learning how to pick words that line up with the feelings that are occurring inside of us. Our culture doesn’t do a whole lot in the way of encouraging safety around naming our feelings but our greatest generational work could be at getting masterful in the art of feeling language. Rosenberg’s book does an incredible job of teaching this art.
- State your needs — Another thing we struggle a great deal with in our culture is identifying what we need, including emotional, spiritual, and physical needs. We focus so much attention on getting what we want that we neglect our most fundamental needs and, consequently, often end up sacrificing both.
- Make a specific request — At this stage in the model, you have (hopefully) built a foundation of empathy and compassion with the other person in your sphere and it’s time now to cement your language into a request for help. Remember, being vulnerable is all about getting brave and, in some instances, while looking right in someone’s eyes, saying that you’re in pain and you need help.
Hopefully, my synopsis of the model has piqued your interest enough that you’re ready to dive into Rosenberg’s globally renowned book.
To my mind, the most important thing you can do for the world today is DECIDE that you want to take up the cause of becoming a masterful, nonviolent communicator.
This decision, like all worthy endeavors, takes work. Sometimes this endeavor takes heartbreaking, absolutely gut-wrenching work. But also like all worthy endeavors, IT. IS. WORTH. IT. Our planet is worth it. Our children are worth it. You, my dear friend, are worth it.
Thank you so much for reading this whole article. Thank you for choosing to pursue feeling good inside of your own skin today and every day. If you’d like help in this work, please reach out to my dear friend and amazing coach, Mandy Bishop. She is a nature-integrated trauma coach and has truly helped change my life.
Please also consider trying meditation. I believe the most powerful action you can take for yourself is to wake up and meditate before you do anything else in your day. I currently use the Headspace app but another amazing choice is the Waking Up app by Sam Harris.
Love yourself first.
In love, light, and gratitude,
Lydia Catherine
